What’s wrong with a girl that she wants to get her period?  Are you there, God, it’s me. Mrs. 4tops…

 Posted: March 31, 2006 Comments (0)

So now, only 13 days after the removal, I’m all irritated and whatnot that I’ve got no signals as to when I may have a normal cycle.  Unless, somehow, we got pregnant that one time, right after it was taken out, and I think I may have been ovulating, but Mr. 4tops, didn’t, um, er, finish off the job, so to speak, internally.  How random and improbable would that be (and INFURIATING to any couple struggling to get pregnant).  The only thing that bugs me about this, and this is far out, is that a few nights ago, I dreamed that this scenario is exactly what has happened.  And as off as that sounds, I have a history of dreaming these sorts of things and them being true.  Or coming true.  So as great as getting pregnant is when you think or know you really want a baby, the timing would be off as far as my uterus being as cushy as possible for hosting such an event right now. 

So feeling that this is highly unlikely, and my dreams do not have a 100% record, I went and got some Black Cohosh, and Red Raspberry tea, to aid in the bringing on of my period. Koo koo.  But some sites like this one, just swear by these herbs for regulating, not to mention bringing about an herbal spontaneous abortion, which of course I think is horrible, but some women must feel desperate enough.  I’ll try not to judge.

OK, great.  Now in linking that site up, I saw, after taking a hefty dose of the Black Cohosh, that it should not be used in conjuction with antidepressants.  What gives?  I’ll have to go Google that… 

And I’m only feeling better.  And angrier.  This IUD thing could have had me more cranky/low energy for the last 5 years than necessary? 

And still so back and forth, forth and back on whether or not we can handle another baby. And an ugly day out to a Tom Chapin show, lunch and shoe shopping did not help the possibilities at all.  Yesterday, I didn’t want the three we have.  And I know how ungrateful that sounds.  Yes, there are so many hurting women who are struggling so to have one child.  But it’s just the truth.  No matter how wanted or desperately strived for a child is, there are days you will wish you were aaaaalllll alone. 

And the show we went to was not for any children under 3.  So that got me going down the road of having have sitters, of breastfeeding, of budgets for sitters and the lack thereof.  And a design show on TLC last night featured cool contemporary baby furniture.  And that got me going down the road of we have no baby stuff any more. 

I keep asking Mr. 4tops do you really think we should do this.  And he keeps saying the same thing.  He doesn’t want to ignore a feeling and regret when we’re older.  OK.  I get it.  But before we’re older, we’re younger and we have to get through the early years of pregnancy and babyhood, and toddlerhood, and teething, and potty training, and diapers, and 3 hour feeding cycles, and and and…

He had a vomit bug this weekend.  And questioned every smell in the house from a fog of nausea.  Welcome to the world of feeling pregnant, I was glib.  Try that for 3 months.  Or 4, or 9.  Who voluntarily signs up for that?  Someone who wants another baby. 

to know what the heck to expect from my body, and any cycle that could be coming.  Or not.  Being uniformed is not my favorite state of being.  11 days since IUD removal.

of the IUD removal.  Libido returning.  Problem?  Avoiding any possible conception, and having no good birth control for the next 6 weeks.  *sigh*  Isn’t is always something?

So 8 days post IUD removal, and my husband says to me last night, what is UP?  What on earth are you talking about, is my response.  You are the old Mrs. 4tops.  All in like, a day or two.  Whaaaa?

It may help here to give background.  I have always been the most neatfreakish person. A place for everything, and everything in it’s place.  Laundry never piled up.  A nearly dust free home.  Clean windows.  Spotless kitchen, even as I cooked.  I cleaned as I went.  Dayplanner my bible.  Papers never stacked up.  Toilet paper always facing the correct direction for disbursement (down, naturally). Vacuum the crumbs up under the table like, 3 times a day.  Basically after any meal or snack. Which is a lot with 3 children.  After #1, people who knew me were all you’ll never keep it up.  I did.  After #2, you’ll never keep it up.  I did.  After #3, you’ll never keep it up.  And I, well, I did have to relax just a a bit. 

And I was extremely busy chasing #3 as our two older toddlers became 6 and 4.  And we had a "scare" one week.  Oh. my. gosh.  I think I’m pregnant.  Muffled screams from Mr. 4tops.  Tears from me.  Rapid trip to OB, blood test on demand.  No. No baby on the way.  We breathed.  Wheeeeewww.  Don’t want that to happen again.  So I got a Mirena IUD. 

I have truly believed that for the last 4 years, as long as I’ve had it, my exhaustion and lack of enthusiasm, motivation, energy, etc. etc. etc.  has been from having 3 young children, teaching them from home (ie: never being away from them), and running a home.  Who wouldn’t be tired?  And I’ve struggled with depression, which of course, has all of it’s own difficulties, energy and enthusiasm related especially.  So I’ve been on antidepressants.  Tried all the coping techniques.  Kept putting one foot in front of the other.  With some days being better than others.  I’ve had a couple of bad crashes.  One of which was last summer. I just gave up.  If it wasn’t extremely necessary, and I was the judge of that, I just didn’t do it.   Dishes regularly piled up.  Lots of take out.  Dead flies on the window sills.  Laundry begging to be washed.  And I struggled so much to just get out of bed each day.

So by fall, I was convinced my antidepressant had maxed out.  After being on it for 7 years, it must be time for change.  So I did.  Got on two antidepressants.  Oh yeah.  Hit it with the big guns.  And that has helped.  A lot.  But a sense of blah has persisited.  And combined with some personal family struggles, has meant a real sense of hopelessness has often won out over typical joy, and optimism.  A lot like depression.  Even though I’m taking these drugs.  So I’ve come to feel this just must be my season in life.  It’s just hard to do this job.  D’oh.

And then my husband’s question last night.  The statement that the old me was back.  And in the last 18 hours, I realize, he may be onto something.  I do feel different.  Lighter.  Better.  More able to handle what I have and tackle what I need to.  And maybe more.  I just starting baking some bread.  I haven’t done that but a few times over the last few years.  And then, only because the children begged me to.  But today, I just felt like it.  What is up? 

But then, here, I found this.  Today.

The Mirena can cause weight gain, headaches, increased blood pressure, acne, depression, and decrease in sex drive.

Really?  How come no one told me?  And on a discussion board, this.

 
I was nuts on BCPs.  So it was not an option for us, either.  The Mirena seemed a perfect solution.  But was I unnecessarily depressed, down, negative, exhausted, whatever, for no reason?  Even when I would tell my OBs or psychiatrists that I had the Mirena, and felt my antidepressants weren’t working.  Why did no one say anything, when I can get this on the freaking internet?  These were only 2 of hundreds of references to this issue on the internet.  Just Google it, if you’re in this boat and concerned.

When I started BCPs in 1992, after Mr. 4tops and I were married, I was unhappier and more nuts than ever.  And. I. did. not. want. to. have. sex.  Ever.  And despite counseling, sex therapy (no, not with a surrogate, just talk about the issues), and discussions with several doctors, NOT ONE suggested The Pill could be the problem.  Then one day, I was flipping through a Reader’s Digest, and there was a teeny eeny snippet from a woman who had been on The Pill, and gotten off, and immediately noticed a huge difference in her sex drive.  D’oh!  So I stopped them.  Probably only shortly before my new husband and I thought we just needed to null and void the whole deal  And voila’.  Sex was good.  And this past month?  14 years later?  A national news program ran a little spot on how doctor’s are beginning to evaluate the fact that the Pill may decrease libido in women.  What is wrong with these people!

Is it the same deal with the Mirena?  But dealing with not only decreased sex drive, but depression, despair, or worse?  Do you know the toll it takes on a woman when she feels for months, if not years, that she just can’t get it together, no matter what drugs she pops, how many routines she prints off, or help she solicits?  

Of course, this is a double edged sword.  While I will be thrilled if I continue to feel better and better, I’m verging on being postal towards the doctors and pharmacuetical reps and insurance industry, and the damn driver who delivered the meds to the pharmacy, even, anyone who is in this horrid quagmire of our health care system.   If women ran all these industries and agencies, would it still be like this?  We just should never be so ill informed, or unable to trust what we are being told.

For some reason, I’m really tired right now.  And when I get tired, I start to imagine what it will be like if we are indeed able to get pregnant again.  Because when I am pregnant, I. am. a. slug.  And one cannot possibly be a slug with 3 other children to teach at home, that home to clean and everyone to help get fed and laundered, and not to mention all the rest of it.  But then, I saw A Baby Story today.  And when they lifted that baby over the sheet (a c-section, like I’ll have to have), I just knew that’s what I wanted.  That moment one more time.  Now.  How to get from here, to there.

Day 7, post IUD coming out. I am such. a. sap.

6 days out from IUD removal.  Could my cycle be already beginning to consider thinking about getting back to normal, so that I would have irritability akin to ovulation, and/or pms crap?  It’s been 5 years since I experienced this.  I’m a bit rusty.  But definitely cranky.

I’m beginning to get scared that I may not be able to have another baby.  Unreasonable.  And sounding completely whacked, not to mention ungrateful and whiny to anyone struggling to have one baby.  Who would worry about not being able to have 4?  Maybe I just have to much time to think about it this time.  The forced wait of healing after the IUD.  Other times happened pretty quickly. Again, so whiny compared to what some women are suffering.  But I started this to journal the journey, so I’m being honest.  It’s nonsensical, and self-absorbed, but it’s what I’m feeling.