I’m 35, right?  Wanna be in the best shape I can be if a baby is on the way soon.  Lose this last 8 pounds I’ve been trying to lose since the last baby, 5.5 years ago.  Been walking.  Already lost 5 pounds.  Watching what I eat.  Tried a yoga tape this morning. Oh, the agony.  And I don’t mean the exercise.

Breeeeathe (in a near whisper).  Feeeeeel your center.  Open from the hips.  Lengthen your croownnnnn.  Doesn’t that feel gooooooood.  Feeeeel the yoga.  Looooove the yoga.  Feeeeeeeeeeeeel your inner self opening.  Now lie down on your mat.  Thaaat’s right.  Feel your feet anchored, they’re rocks.  Rest your head lightly. Oh God.  Is that a pack of chicken nuggets under the sofa?  Just Breeeeeeathe.  When was the last time I vacuumed under that chair?  Shift your hips to the right.  OUCH.  The coffee table.  There is no room in here for this.  The dog is licking my hair.  Now, move fluidly and effortlessley into the dancer’s pose.  The children are laughing at me.  Shut up.  At least I’m trying.  At lot of 35 year olds are in muu-muus by now.  Reeeach for your toes.  Gack.  Just look at my feet!  My nails.  The huge hunks of callouses.  Oh this is awful.  Maybe I’ll just stop and peel that off right there…Don’t you feel wooonderfullll?  No. I. do. not.  Center yourself at the core.  It’s all about the core.  Feeeeel your abs tightening.  Strengthening.  I feel my belly flopping over the top of these yoga pants.  I can suck in all I want, and there it is.  Just hanging there.  What the hell is she talking about.  Now, we’re aaaaalmost done, breeeeathe in and out your nose.  There’s a dust bunny in my nose.  Sit up right, assume the lotus position.  Streeeeetch through your crown.  What is my crown?  How does she get her legs all twisted up and together like that?  Now, aren’t you glad you spent 20 minutes of your day on just you, centering, aligning, oooopening for the day?  Nope.  Pretty much feel like a hippo.  A big, tight, uncoordinated, awkward hippo. 

I pretty much don’t think I’ll be doing that again.