feel sooooo much better.  Evil period, be damned.  You will not beat me!

am very edgy.  I am not forming sentences correctly, as if I am just too tired.  I am irrationally anxious.  Nervous.  Antsy.  And I’ve bled through 2 pairs of pants since 7 am.  In fact, 7 am is when I awoke, precisely because I had bled through my jammie pants.  Gross. 

I feel gross.  Incompetent, and certifiable.  

Is this normal period crap?   I don’t exactly remember this from 5 years ago.  It’s making me crazy.  Maybe I just have to reacclimate. 

 

Blech.

 

 
It is a period.  Whew.  At least there’s closure (I hate that word).  And I can start tracking another cycle over at my cycle tracker, and get a better feel for the whole deal my body’s into these days.

There was only about 3 seconds of ooohhh.  And then, OK, move forward.  So I feel good.   It’s just the 2WW that makes me go around the bend and back again.

Today = C2D1.   

(for the 2 of 3 others who may check in here, Angie is my friend, and loyal visitor)

Let’s play a game.

I have:

A.  started my period, a day or two early (based on 28 day cycle)

B.  had some misc. spotting, out of the blue, based on the IUD removal 6 weeks ago, or,

C.  just noticed some implantation spotting, or,

D.  none of the above 

What is most likely?  I have no idea.  This would be my second period in 5 years.  Last period, started pretty definitively, was moderately heavy from start through 3 days, tapered the last 2 to spotting.

This morning?  Just a bit of pink when I wipe.  Sorry for the graphic detail, but there you go.  Don’t even need a pad.  Last month?  Felt my period start, went through 4 tampons the first 7 hours or so.   This morning?  Saw the bit of pink, even maybe a bit of light pinkish-tan? at 8 AM, and nearly nothing since.

What the %^#&?

Was this last cycle anovulatory, and all this is just fall out from the IUD removal?  Could be, maybe.  But I don’t think so.  I feel pretty sure I ovulated.  And the last period seemed, so, well, normal.  And no spotting until this morning.

Yesterday’s neurotic 3rd HPT was negative.  Yet again, so was my first baby’s HPT, upto 3 days after my period should have begun.

So.

I am clueless.  And just waiting.  I just refuse to go to the doc for blood work.  I’ll just wait.  And wait.  My period will either crank up, I suppose, or I’ll start HPTing again.  Maybe in the morning, if today does not go more period-like. 

By the time something definitive happens, I’ll be upto $162.55 in HPTs.  Why didn’t I invent those?

 

Um, while I am very embarrased to report, I have promised myself complete honesty in this little jaunt, to either another baby, or the definitive end of this road for us.

Big HPT Co. Man: 3

Crazed Mrs. 4tops: 0 

Could I just start already, or get some clear sign?  I truly, truly, truly do not know how women who long months, years for a baby don’t just finally crack into a billion little pieces.  My deepest prayers and sympathies are with you, even though I would never begin to pretend I know what you’re feeling.

I just know I’m a wus.

Is that unusual zittage on my forehead?   

Was that a slightly gaggy feeling in the back of my throat just now?  Or am I hungry.  Or niether.  Oh, bother.

Let’s review.  I have no discernable symptoms that can definitely determine anything other than A. I am OCD, and B.  I am, indeed, female.  Close examination of certain parts confirm this theory.

If I want to push it?  Hmmmm, maybe more hungry than normal when I wake the last few mornings.  Usually don’t even think hungry til like, 11:00.  Now, it could seem that I am hungry upon eyes opening.  But you never know.

What else.  I have had to pee in the middle of night a few times over the last week, but then, if I drink wine in the evenings, and um, I have been, I always drink a couple of glasses of water before bed.  Helps with hangover dehydration.

When I do this, don’t I always get up in the night to pee?  I can’t recall.  Maybe.  Maybe not.

Let’s see.  Still not a huge fan of coffee.  Drinking it out of necessity.  Not really desiring it.  Normal?  Maybe.  Thought I smelled coffee half the way home from Black Mountain this past Sunday, with the rest of the family saying no, no coffee smell.  Who knows.

I have very mild crampy awareness of my abdomen.  PMS?

 
I’ve only eaten cheese sandwiches the last 2 days for lunch, but then, we’ve been low on groceries.

Is waking up earlier than normal, with out the alarm clock an early pregnancy symptom.  I nearly never do this, and have like 3 times out of the last 7 mornings.  But then, I’ve already self diagnosed OCD, so maybe my brain is just whirring away on something.  Like whether or not I’m about to start my period.  Or not.

If I go looking, there is creamy (sorry) CM.  But definitely not gobs like many women report, and I remember more of myself about 9.5 years ago with our second.  I don’t recall any, or anything about this with my 3rd.  I do recall having those funky symptoms around the 3 days conception could have occured, but that they would wax and wane for the next 2 weeks until I got a positive test.  Then I would feel pretty normal for another 2 weeks, til BAM.  Sick and exhausted.

And that my favorite Tuna Melt from the sandwich shop around the corner from where we lived for number 2 just didn’t taste right, right before I found out.

Can you take a basal temp once you’ve been up a little while?

Where are those charts from conceiving number one…

And confession.  On inspect for blue veins day, I did another HPT.  Oh yeah. BFN.  Score another one for the Rich HPT Company man on this hill.  Him? 2.  Me?  Zippo.

  

I think I have more prominent, or even the first time noticable, blue veins in my chest-ish area.

Daughter, age 8, says, yep.  That looks new.  I’d know, cause you wear that tube top.

Mr. 4tops says, what are you talking about, that’s always been there.

Yes.  I polled.  Without actually describing why.  I just said, you know, the body ages and changes, does this look…. 

Who to trust.

As far as any other bizarre, hard to detect syptoms, I think my parts o’girlie are dusky purple.  But then, they may always look just like that.  I wouldn’t really know because I don’t usually examine them with a flashlight and compact.

I did not poll on this.

So, I’m back to where I’ve been all along.  Could totally be getting AF in 4-6 days, or could totally be pregnant.   

C1D24…so little to complain about.  So much to be thankful for.  Our three beautiful children (I know, everyone says that, but we’re right), each other, our home, family, friends…but today, I realized something.  I’m officially more in the camp of I wanna do it again, than I’m afraid to do it again. 

Lord, just be with me as I’m so impatient, and find out what your will may be.  Suddenly, I just want my will.  Forgive me, and let me be mindfull of those who have yet to have one child.  Let me mindfull of those who still yearn.  Let me mindfull of all that you’ve already given me.

And forgive me for just wanting one more, 4, tops.