From time to time, I realize something.  I am so in love with our children.  All 3 of them.  And the thought comes crashing over me, with such intensity, that usually, tears rush to my eyes. 

Of course, I cry too, not infrequently, from the sheer exhaustion, frustration, self-doubt, and depths of soul wrenching concern for these children and how they’ll turn out.  And over whether or not they’ll ever move out. 

Really, they are each so special, such beautiful creations of God’s hands.  And the fact that he thought we could do the job of getting them prepared for this world, of pointing them in the right direction, towards Him and his plans for them, just astounds me.  

And it is good to remember we are really just stewards of their precious lives.  They are not ours.  Not really.  They are His.  We are in partnership with God in raising these little people.

So maybe, this pull on my heart, our heart to have another child, is a nudge from Him.  That because He has His plans, this is something we need to do.  That it’s not just about what we want, or don’t want, or are afraid of the hassle of.  We certainly have a choice.  He forces nothing on us.  But if we chose to ignore, and go the safe route, the easier route (the less body-wrecking route), will we one day realize it and be regretful?

The Lord will not spank our hands for turning away from a nudging on our hearts.  At all.  But will it become evident that we missed out on something wonderful that we could have experienced?  A blessing we felt too hurried, busy, or lazy (or vain) to take on?   

Maybe in the end, I feel more afraid of not jumping in again, than of actually doing it.  Which I understand must sound insane from someone desperately wanting the first child.  It’s just that we had so totally reconciled not having any more children, that it’s been quite a shift in thinking to think about babies again.  I haven’t even looked at a pack of diapers in more than 3 years now.  After buying thousands for 7 years straight, this seems an eternity!

But we’ve never lived a life to leave room for what if.  Or at least, we try not to.  So I don’t suppose now is the time to start.  If this nudge is from something He’s put in our hearts, I might as well get excited about it, and stop waffling around  And if we’ve just manufactured the whole thing in our own heads, I figure He’ll be down with it.  From what I read, He’s pretty keen on children. 

So, either way, it should be a win-win.  If, that is, we actually are blessed with another baby.