5 weeks, 3 days.  Till the section.  Another check up tomorrow.  Is it really going to come to an end, after all?  And, after doing this 3 other times, I’m still all superstitious, or whatever you want to call it, about washing all the little clothes and blankets and burp pads "too early".  What is too early, anyway?  And when I stop this silliness, what is the prefered detergent these days for tiny clothing?  Dreft?  Ivory Snow?  Something organic?  Why am I acting like I’ve never done this?

Not that I’m counting.  I’m grumpy.  Heavy.  Leaky.  Itchy.  Pinchy.  Headachey.  Acid reflux-y.  Slightly queasy.  Hungry.  Sleepy.  Pee-y.  Over-it-already. 

Just checking in, you know, for posterity. 

Well lookee there.  My little ticker has me all the down to 195 days left.   And I only thought it was creeping by at a drunk slug’s pace.  That damn ticker actually confirms it.  Maybe I should get rid of that thing.

12 weeks down.  Officially now in the last week of the FIRST TRIMESTER.  Are things improving?  Hmmmm….I’ve showered 2ce in 4 days, left the house 3 times, tried to eat out with Mr. 4Tops (didn’t go so well, but I tried), and put on new make-up (I think I love this Bare Minerals stuff…time will tell more).  So yes.  That constitutes improvement.  Today?  Still in jammies at 3:27 EST, and feeling gaggy.  But NOT constantly nauseaus.  Also rates as improvement. 

I’ve felt just well enough to start a little (who am I kidding, it’s huge)  list of what I need for baby, and me.  Ordered my first pair of maternity pants via eBay, and think they’re already too small in the butt, or at least that’s what Mr. 4Tops said before I spit in his eye.  The pants are cool.  Maybe some squats’ll stretch the bum.  Gap maternity.  Olive drap.  Drawstring cargo.  My fav kind of pants in the fall/winter, ‘cept made for giant bellies.  Pair them with a black turtleneck, and I practically channel Margaret Houlihan.  Except I’m not blonde.  Nor do I have large lips.  Or a large bosom.  Nor am I in the army.  Other than that, we’re clones.  Black and olive.  No matter how the trends come and go, it’s always my favorite.  Must’ve watched too much M*A*S*H* as a young teen.  LOVE that show…

Finally settled on a doctor I can tolerate last week, and was asked about my nutritional intake.  Let’s take a look at that.  Hum.  One day that week, I ate 2 cream cheese bagels, 6 oatmeal cookies and had some Tang (remember Tang?  I didn’t think I did till it was all I thought I could drink).  Another day, this homemade chicken noodle concoction my mom came up with for breakfast, early snack, lunch, late snack and dinner.  That was it.  Chicken and noodles.  Light on the chicken.  It made me gag.  Today…one sausage ball (mom’s recipe), 1 oatmeal cookie and some Tang for breakfast.  Nibbled on cashews an hour later, and had a piece of French Toast for lunch.  More cashews, Tang and some Gatoraide.  Don’t know the flavor, just that it is blue, and has slightly more taste than water, but less than anything else you could imbibe.  And another oatmeal cookie.  Now, I am seriously considering some fudge.  Thank God for prenatal vitamins.

Think I’ll take a nap now.  Typing is just exhausting.  I’m just focusing on the end.  Live for the end.  This too, shall pass.  And don’t write me hate mail for being ungrateful concerning this pregnancy.  I’m not.  I just generally feel like crap and think I oughta be able to say it.  Now I’m sticking out my tongue.  Don’t feel offended.  My hormones have me hating the dog now, too.

Today.  The realtors came by.  School starts Aug. 17 in this county, and people with families (and we have a family home, whatever that means) want in NOW.  We still have days, nay, weeks of work to finish to put this place on the market.  If we wait till we’re done, we’ll miss the big summer real estate window.

However, if don’t wait, and show it as is, we most certainly won’t get what we have to have to break even on this house, much less make a buck.   Who wants to pay top dollar when there’s Tyvek still wrapped around the newly added mudroom, and studs showing?

And I’ve felt more sick today.  

And then my stomach got all upset.

So how did I handle this?  Called my mama and daddy, and crawled in bed for a good cry, moaned about how I feel guilty for feeling ill, and we should have waited on this baby (so Mr. 4Tops could just chide me and say no way), griped about how there’s so much work to be done (so Mr. 4Tops could tell me I’m doing the most important part by just continuing to breathe and eat), and then take a big nap.  He even said this is an opportunity for him to remember who’s in control, and rest in that peace, when the rest of everything seems to be up sh*t creek.  No paddles in sight.  The Lord knows, and carries us.

The Remodel Emergency Crew (my folks) will be here in the morning with tools in hand.  That made me cry more.  That they would just drop their lives and come to our rescue.   I may cry typing it, we’re so blessed and lucky.  And the fact that I feel sick, due to the amazing gift of a baby?  I should be so happy.  Oh, good grief.  I am starting to cry again.  Gotto go find that paint brush and suck it up.

So Mr. 4tops finally gets home, and excrutiating hour and half after the phone call from the nurse.  I didn’t know what to say.  How to tell him.  I was up in the bedroom, in my grubby work clothes, cleaning out the closet and packing boxes, not looking lovely.

As he talked with me for a few minutes, and then began to leave he said, what do you know.  Whaa?  I replied, stupidly.  What do you KNOW?  Are we pregnant?  

SO the proverbial cat was out of the proverbial bag.  And he was really, really excited. 

I wanted to wait on the children, especially the youngest, who is 5, and in whom I have no confidence would A.  even understand, or B.  be able to keep a secret.  Which we want to do till we can tell other family.

But Mr. 4tops was excited, and wanted to include them, as we usually do with most things.  So, within an hour, we told them.

And they both burst into tears.  So much for the family Kodak moment.  We had a bottle of champagne for a toast (for us, not them, and don’t fuss at me, I was only going to have half a glass), and were all hey, this is happy, and they just fell apart.

Why?  1.  They were overwhelmed.  For whatever reason, it was overwhelming to them.  Maybe because the house is upside down, we’re moving, ect.  I don’t know.  But it seems, they were.

2.  It seems, I’ve shared one too many Baby Stories and Discovery Baby shows with them.  I love them.  I think they’re miraculous.  They, however, seem to think it’s awful painful, and somehow have derived, dangerous.  They were scared for me.  Is that sweet?  They said that after all 3 of them, they didn’t want me to have to go through it again.  I suppose this is one of the things with having older children.  They get more, but not everything. 

So.  We talked.  And in the end, when we told them the only reason we are as happy as we are, is because of our experience with them.  If we didn’t love them so much, we couldn’t imagine how awesome this could be.  They seemed to get that.  And that I’d do whatever I had to a million times over to have each of them in my life, so I’d do that for this child.  Which they’d undestand better, when they meet her/him (I’m leaning towards her). 

This morning, they’re whispering in  my ear little things that come to their minds, like, we can teach the baby to talk.  To walk.  Sign language.  And conspiratorially patting my stomach.  And telling me they are old enough to be there when the baby comes, can’t they be in the waiting room with the grandparents?   

I hope these things mean this is going to be a great adventure.  I’ve never been here before.  Older children, and a baby on the way.  Oh, G*d, I’m freaking out again. 

Mr. 4tops and I have moved 11 times.  4 states, 8 cities.  And each of the three children we’ve been so blessed to have were all born in Atlanta, at the same hospital.  Dallas, Atlanta (have a baby, and then another).  Nashville, Atlanta (have another baby).  Back to Franklin, a town outside of Nashville, Spring Hill, Greenville, and back to Atlanta, where prayerfully, there will be another baby.  Weird, huh (I’m not covering all the cities outside of Atlanta we actually lived in, just going with generic Atlanta).

We are going back.  And Mr. 4tops and I would like to have another baby.  Which we starting working on before this new job opportunity came up.  Like somewhere, deep inside my ovaries, some eggs were whispering you’re going home, you’re going home, where your Mom is, she’ll help you with the other children, it’s safe to have a baby…before my brain knew what was coming.  Of course, moms are not required for fertility, but in my case, it sure makes things flow a lot smoother.  My mom - she’s one powerhouse of a helper. 

So maybe, now that Mr. 4tops is on the eve of giving notice to his employer here in Greenville, SC, my eggs’ll get it together and let one of those little sperm come on in.  Because they know, home is a great place to have a baby.  They’ve just been waiting for us to get back.

I’m running around cleaning the house.  And now, in a BF conundrum.  I just received my you-can-test-before-you-even-have-sex test strips, and yep, I ran right upstairs, toting a cup to catch the pee, and had at it.  Dropped the first down in the pee, considered it invalid as there is a little line that says "max" for pee amount.  Dipped another (have 10, or did).  Waited. 5 minutes.  Looked.  Both negative.

Now.  What do I do?  Believe them, as their little site says:

Our Pregnancy Test Strips are FDA-Approved, over 99% accurate, and are capable of detecting human chorionic gonadotropin, or hCG, at levels of just 20mIU/ml/hCG. That means you can begin testing accurately just 6 to 8 days after conceiving - and days before your missed period.

To use the pregnancy test strips you simply fill a container or a collection cup with urine and hold the test strip in the container in a vertical position. Just dip the tip of the test for a few seconds. Your results appear in just 5 minutes. FDA-Approved, easy-to-use, and extremely sensitive for the earliest detection of pregnancy - these are the same tests used at your doctor’s office. Our tests are brand new, offering the full 2-year expiry date. Begin testing as early as 7-10 days past ovulation.

From time to time, I realize something.  I am so in love with our children.  All 3 of them.  And the thought comes crashing over me, with such intensity, that usually, tears rush to my eyes. 

Of course, I cry too, not infrequently, from the sheer exhaustion, frustration, self-doubt, and depths of soul wrenching concern for these children and how they’ll turn out.  And over whether or not they’ll ever move out. 

Really, they are each so special, such beautiful creations of God’s hands.  And the fact that he thought we could do the job of getting them prepared for this world, of pointing them in the right direction, towards Him and his plans for them, just astounds me.  

And it is good to remember we are really just stewards of their precious lives.  They are not ours.  Not really.  They are His.  We are in partnership with God in raising these little people.

So maybe, this pull on my heart, our heart to have another child, is a nudge from Him.  That because He has His plans, this is something we need to do.  That it’s not just about what we want, or don’t want, or are afraid of the hassle of.  We certainly have a choice.  He forces nothing on us.  But if we chose to ignore, and go the safe route, the easier route (the less body-wrecking route), will we one day realize it and be regretful?

The Lord will not spank our hands for turning away from a nudging on our hearts.  At all.  But will it become evident that we missed out on something wonderful that we could have experienced?  A blessing we felt too hurried, busy, or lazy (or vain) to take on?   

Maybe in the end, I feel more afraid of not jumping in again, than of actually doing it.  Which I understand must sound insane from someone desperately wanting the first child.  It’s just that we had so totally reconciled not having any more children, that it’s been quite a shift in thinking to think about babies again.  I haven’t even looked at a pack of diapers in more than 3 years now.  After buying thousands for 7 years straight, this seems an eternity!

But we’ve never lived a life to leave room for what if.  Or at least, we try not to.  So I don’t suppose now is the time to start.  If this nudge is from something He’s put in our hearts, I might as well get excited about it, and stop waffling around  And if we’ve just manufactured the whole thing in our own heads, I figure He’ll be down with it.  From what I read, He’s pretty keen on children. 

So, either way, it should be a win-win.  If, that is, we actually are blessed with another baby. 

feel sooooo much better.  Evil period, be damned.  You will not beat me!

am very edgy.  I am not forming sentences correctly, as if I am just too tired.  I am irrationally anxious.  Nervous.  Antsy.  And I’ve bled through 2 pairs of pants since 7 am.  In fact, 7 am is when I awoke, precisely because I had bled through my jammie pants.  Gross. 

I feel gross.  Incompetent, and certifiable.  

Is this normal period crap?   I don’t exactly remember this from 5 years ago.  It’s making me crazy.  Maybe I just have to reacclimate.