Frankly, I’m just an impatient person.  We are frenetically trying to finish the remodels in the house.  To put it on the market ASAP.  While my husband just resigned one job, and is starting another in a week and a half.  Traveling a week a month, and telecommuting the rest, while we show and hopefully sell the house.  Soon.  So we can get to Atlanta, put all our crap in storage, live with my PARENTS and find a house to buy.

Atlanta realty is tough when you are going to be working in town.  You either pay up the hoo-hoo for and in town hovel, or pay a reasonable amount, for a reasonable house, but spend nearly 3 hours of your life, ech day, commuting in and out of town.  

So all this is playing in my life and in my mind when yesterday I just say eff it.  I’m going to get a blood test.  So I did.  Now my understanding of this serum test is that from 7-12 dpo, it will register an amount as low as 5 units of whatever unit tells them yes, this one’s pregnant.  But this doc at the clinic says, if it’s before 2 weeks, you may get a false negative. Something about qualitative/quantitative, one registering slightly more sensitively than the others, blah blah blah.  In the end, I talked her into writing an order for me to go straight to the lab, and get the test performed, stat, meaning, I should have the results faxed back to the clinic by 2 pm, EST today. 

If they’re even accurate.  Which according to her, now they may not be.  But they were with our 3rd child, several days before I was due to start my period.  That doc said something about qualitative and quantitative, too, but I can’t really remember, because I had two toddlers testing out all the look-in-your-ear equipment, and checking out each other’s tonsils with those cherry flavored sticks.  

Anyway, they called the next morning.  I was right.  Positive.

So, I went for it yesterday.  I am no good with waiting.  And now I’m not sure what the results will mean, if they are negative, so that sucks.  And I called at 2, and was told whe call back within an hour and a half, as the results had not been faxed over yet. 

At this rate, I’ll probably get my period before they track down that fax.

Which, frankly again, I feel is probably going to happen.  I just can’t stand not knowing.   But again, if this is a negative, if she ever calls me back, do I know now?  Or whaaaa?

I went to bed at 8:30 last night, I was so tired.  But then, we are busting our humps (I used that before the Black-Eyed Peas) around here.  So who knows, yet again.

Got more crap to clean out and pack.  And more time to kill before I drive to Columbia and talk to the lab tech, myself.  How hard can it be to get a fax sent? 

Because it’s 4:36 in the morning here, and I just woke up, couldn’t go back to sleep, had to pee, so came downstairs to catch it and dip a stick in it. 

Yep, you guessed it.  Negative.

So, today I smelled garlic dill pickle sandwich slices from the next room when Mr. 4tops opened the freezer.  They stay in the fridge.  And I’m not sure I believe him, but he claims he smelled nothing, even when sticking his head in the fridge.

Oh well.  Just have to wait and see. 

And as I knew it would be, it was negative.  And I know, at THIS point, that means nothing.  Why do I do these things to myself? 

I think it’s day 22.  And right now?  I’ve been feeling kind of gaggy and burpy for the past couple of hours.  And the rotisserie chicken I bought at the grocery and put in the car to bring home seemed to take over the entire car, and my nostrils up to the far recesses of my brain.  It. smelled. bad.

What to make of this?  Who knows.  7 days more to wait. 

*In my head, I know this is ridiculous.  But this blog is also about my heart.  And in my heart, I felt jealousy today, for the first time ever, concerning a friend finding herself pregnant.

Again, the DISCLAIMER.  I am so blessed.  We have 3 children.  We have not struggled.  I know all this.

But today, a friend called.  He was hung over because his wife had just told him last night that they were UNEXPECTEDLY pregnant, with their 4th.  And he had just decided, with her, that they WERE DONE.  And now?  They are pregnant.

It is a good thing.  A blessing right now that they don’t get yet.  He had 2 bottles of wine by HIMSELF last night, in light of this news.  They will be fine.  They will adjust.

But I felt just a twinge of jealousy. Have we been "trying" long?  Nope.  Suffered infertility? Nope.  Miscarriages?  Nope.  But we want another, and we are in the 3rd cycle, and they had a big fat ooops.  

I’m just saying I felt a bit human about it.  That’s all.  Tonight, she is pregnant with a child they didn’t want, but will, I’m sure.  And as far as I know, we are not.  And I’d like to be.

That’s all.  Nearly too stupid to even type.  But this is my blog, and these are my feelings, for better or worse, so here you go.  I’m jealous.  There.  I said it.

It’s wrong.  But I am.  And I know I have NOTHING to complain about.  But I’m still a bit jealous.

Na-nana-na na.  It’s just my feelings.   I can’t help it.  In spite of all that others go through, this is where I am. 

Hey. I make these killer creamy chicken enchiladas.  They rock.  One of my fav foods ever. 

Tonight?  I couldn’t finish one.  Why?  I don’t know.  I still feel gaggy from eating the portion I did.

I asked my MIL hey, is that good, does it taste normal?  She loved it.  My husband?  He said it was a bit bland, but fine.  Me?  Ick. 

Maybe just normal fluxuations in tastes.  Maybe more.  It’ll take another 8-9 days to find out. 

It seems my sidebar is destined to be waaaaay down the page.  I still can’t figure it out.  In other news, which is not news, but just free thinking typing, I feel full bellied again.  But does this mean anything?  In light of that being a symptom I’ve had for the last 2 cycles, where there has been NO pregnancy? 

I submit that it does not.

And this month, I have no recollection of feeling any ovulation.  Although the signs were all there.  Is it possible to have those signs and NOT ovulate?  I should think not.  But I’m not sure.

So, just biding time, working on the house, my M-I-L is visiting, which is a great diversion from the daily routine, and I’m still having my evening glass of wine.  I think I’ve entered the "I’ll be shocked if it’s this month" mode.  I’ve felt like everything was going to be a positive, and it was not.  So now I feel it will not be a positve, so that ought to really say something. 

That’s all the pointless rambling I have for today.  Thank you very much. 

I still can’t fix my blasted side bar.  Drat it all.

However, I can seduce my husband before work, on the very day I am due to ovulate.

Early morning cartoons = early morning hanky panky.

We are now officially in the big 2WW.  Why is this part of the month so so very long? 

More signs, so I do think I’m healthily ovulating…I think.  We shared a little lovin’ last night and the night before (sorry for TMI), and the official O date should be tomorrow or Friday, so this month, it won’t be for lack of trying if there is another BFN.

And sweetly enought, this month, I’ve not been the initiator.  We’ve just sort of, well, needed eachother, in the midst of the chaos surrounding our frenetic home repairs, resigning from jobs, people being ticked we’re leaving, parents and niece in town, etc. etc…somtimese, it’s just re-stabilizing to be close.

Just for the sheer beauty, if not inspiration, check out this slide show, of a homebirth.  It is simply  one of the most glorious things that the Lord can give us.

Have a wonderful Wednesday, as we clear the hurdle and head into the weekend.

Peace.